Down Gender Lines, Despite My Best Efforts

By Risa Green on May 22, 2013

When my kids were born, I had this great fantasy that I would raise them in a gender-neutral household, in which girls could play with Legos and boys could play with dolls, and that we would be the ultimate, nurture over nature family.

I’ll never forget the day when my son was playing with a Barbie that someone had given my daughter…and he looked up and spotted the Barbie dream car that I’d stashed on the top shelf of her closet. He couldn’t even talk yet, but he was pointing at it and making grunty noises and threw a huge fit until I pulled it out and handed it to him. At which point my fantasy was shattered, as it was all cars and trucks, all the time, from that day forward. (Except for the blue, twirly dress that he wore until he was three. But that’s a different post.)

And yet…I still tried to maintain the idea that my children didn’t have to be put into stereotypical gender boxes. I bought my son fake brooms and vacuums, and encouraged him to push his Hot Wheels around the pretend kitchen. I bought my daughter a tee-ball set and taught her how to take a cut. On the weekends, my husband and I would take them to various places around town; the Natural History Museum, where we looked at disgusting bugs and at pretty rocks; the Peterson Automotive Museum; a local production of Cinderella.

But as my kids got older, our weekends were gradually overtaken with games, practices, religious school, birthday parties and playdates, and my kids became more vocal about where they did and didn’t want to go. Suddenly, it was hard to find things to do with both a boy and a girl; if we wanted to spend time together as a family, our only options were gender-neutral places like the beach, the zoo and the park.

Now that my kids are even older, however, it’s really becoming a problem. We’ve outgrown the zoo, and the park, and so it seems like all of our activities are broken straight down traditional gender lines. My husband and my son go to the batting cage, or to a Kings game, or they go watch a baseball game at UCLA, or they go to the baseball card store. My daughter and I, meanwhile, go shopping, or get manicures, or bake, or catch up on episodes of Project Runway.

It’s upsetting, really, because it’s not the kind of thing I’ve ever wanted to model for my kids, but somehow, it’s just happened. My son doesn’t want to go to the batting cage with me because I can’t give him tips on his swing the way my husband can. And I need to get manicures, but my son has no interest in coming with me to do that, unless I bring a video game for him to play while he waits. My daughter, meanwhile, would rather walk across hot coals than go to a hockey game, and she doesn’t want my husband to take her shopping because he doesn’t know what looks good.

I suppose I could educate myself on the finer points of baseball swings, and my husband could spend some time looking through fashion magazines, but a) when are we doing this, and b) I think my kids would quickly figure out that it’s a forced effort. The bottom line is, my daughter and I prefer to do things that are “girly,” and my husband and son prefer the guy stuff. The only common ground we have anymore is going to the movies. Thank goodness my daughter likes action films. So, yeah, that’s it. We’re that family, the kind I never wanted to be. Congratulations, nature. You win.

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My Mommy Mantra: What Were You Thinking?

By Blythe Newsome on April 8, 2013

Lately I feel as if not a single day goes by that I don’t say to at least one of my children, “What were you thinking?” I swear it feels as if it is my mantra - in a one week period I found myself saying it at least once to each of my children.

Example 1: Thirty minutes before bedtime, just as I am starting to relax and pat myself on the back for another day when everyone got where they needed to be, Finn remembers something.

“Mom, I have to do a diorama and take it to school tomorrow. I need a shoe box and we have to show how black bears hibernate.”

My response to him as I dug into closets and drawers looking for an empty shoe box and some sort of are supplies that aren’t dried out, I found myself saying, “Finn, what were you thinking, waiting until the last minute to do this?”

Example 2: While riding in the passenger seat with my 16-year-old daughter who is learning to drive, I noticed that the rearview mirror was turned at an angle so she could look at her face. When I asked her why it was turned that way, she said, “So I can see myself and make sure I look okay.”

My response to my soon-to-be driver was, “Seriously? It is called a rearview mirror so you can see objects behind you. It is NOT for looking at you. What were you thinking, turning it so you could look at yourself?”

Example 3: My oldest daughter is getting ready for her senior prom. While I am so excited for her and am treasuring every moment of her senior year, I think she got carried away with how much I was enjoying it. She was doing some prom shopping and found the perfect dress. I said, “Great! Let me see it on you and then let’s go ahead and buy it.” It was beautiful and elegant but it was $378.00.

My response when I saw the price tag was, “$378 for a dress you are going to wear for one night, you must be joking. What on earth are you thinking, looking at a dress that cost that much?”

Example 4: My son is a basketball player and plays in a summer travel league. The night before his big tournament and just moments after he returned home from spending some time with his dad, he tells me he needs new basketball shoes by tomorrow because his are too small.

I quickly became a frustrated mom and said, “You have been practicing with the team for three weeks and you just now realize they don’t fit? Why couldn’t you have thought of this while you were with your dad and had him get you a pair? Seriously baby, what were you thinking?”

Example 5: My daughter is studying different countries and cultures in school. Each child was assigned a country and asked to bring a dish from that country. My daughter’s country was Greece. Unfortunately she didn’t remember to tell me until 5:30 in the morning on the day of the “potluck." Luckily I did some quick thinking and heated up some turkey meatball that I had in the freezer, mixed up some sour cream with a little bit of fresh dill and sent it to told her it was a Greek dish of “Lamb meat balls with a Greek dipping sauce."

But I couldn’t let it go without saying at least once, “What were you thinking, waiting this long to tell me?”

Example 6: I pull up from work to see the children outside playing together. It warmed my heart and made me smile to see them having so much fun together. That was until I noticed that one of my girls was riding her bike over a very rough and bumpy part of the yard with one arm on the handle bars and the other tucked into her shirt. If she fell, there would be no way she could catch herself.

I got out of the car and said, “Mo, what one earth are you doing? You are going to get hurt doing that. I don’t understand what you are thinking?”

Being my child who really puts thought into everything she does, she said, “Mom, I am learning to ride a bike with one arm so if a shark bites off my arm, I will still be able to do all the things I enjoy.”

Okay, I am glad that I have a child that wants to be prepared for the unexpected. But a shark? This is my child who hates the ocean and never goes into it above her knees. Unless there is such a thing as a “Landshark”, I think it is safe for her to focus on keeping both hands on the handlebars.

After a week of repeating my new mantra of “What were you thinking” every single day, I was frustrated. “Will they ever learn?” I thought as I drove home from work the next evening. I kicked off my high heels as I made the long drive home and tried to take some deep breaths and think positive thoughts that perhaps tonight I would not have to say those words to anyone.

I hopped out of my car as soon as I pulled into the driveway, noting that I had exactly 10 minutes to load everyone up and get to Finn’s first baseball game. I raced in the door shouting orders to everyone. In no time we were all out the door with cleats, gloves and hats in hand. At the last minute we decided to take a different car so we loaded up, I counted heads, told Finn to start putting his shoes on so he could hop out of the car as soon as we got there and smiled thinking I had done all of that in less than 9 minutes.

As soon as we got to the game, the kids piled out of the car. I took a moment to take a deep breath before I got out of the car to head to say hello to all of the parents who were there for the game. After 13 years of having children play baseball, these games are like a social hour to catch up with half of Tallahassee.

I looked in the mirror (yes, the rearview mirror, but I was parked and the minute I was done I put it right back in the correct position.) and reapplied and little lipstick and was ready to step out of the car. That was when I realized that I had forgotten my shoes. I was stunned. How could I forget my shoes? I really am losing it. I tiptoed out of the car and thought if I could just get to the bleachers without anyone noticing I could tuck my feet under the bench and keep them hidden. It took all of two seconds before Moira asked me where were my shoes were and happily shared the news with all of her siblings. I didn’t see the humor that they saw in the moment. Suddenly I got a brilliant idea. I could borrow my daughter’s shoes because we are the same size. Certainly she won’t mind going barefoot.

I looked at Moira and asked her if I could please borrow her shoes.

She thought for a moment and said, “Mom, you tell us all the time before we walk out to the door to grab our shoes. I do not know what you were thinking.”

I heard giggling that sounds in stereo because I had kids on all sides of me.

The words I had found myself using on every single one of my children were now coming back to haunt me. I decided to offer her $1 if I could wear her shoes. Being a smart business woman, she upped the ante to $5. I got her down to $2. Finally, I was able to stand amongst the parents at the first baseball game of the year wearing a pair of shoes and acting like a mother who had it all together.

I have yet to say “What were you thinking?" to any of the children since that moment. I realize that they are young and those childlike impulses are still going to override the rational thoughts I want them to have to show me they are responsible. But who am I kidding? Even as an adult I am going to have those moments when the craziness of life will override my own basic rational thoughts leaving me asking myself “What was I thinking?”

In the blink of an eye I went from the suburban mom who had it all to a single mom of six facing divorce, death, and moving. So what do you do when life throws you so many curves? You pick yourself up and find out you are stronger than you ever imagined.

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The 3 Most Common Fights You Have With Your Teenager

The 3 Most Common Fights You Have With Your Teenager By Vanessa Van Petten on July 31, 2013 Print this article

When I was a teenager, it felt like my parents and I got in the same fights over and over again. After working with thousands of teens and parents I have realized that there are three common fights parents have with their teens.

Below, I have described these three fights and offered some solutions for stopping the argument cycle.

1. The “It’s Not Fair” Fight

Examples:

Older brother gets to stay out late with his friends. Teen finds this grossly unfair.

Parent gets to have soda, child does not. Teen finds this grossly unfair.

Teenager cannot buy new outfit for dance because it is too expensive. Teen finds this grossly unfair.

Emotional Intent: When you hear a teen talk about how unfair something is, what they are often feeling is, “I am not important or special enough.” If you feel like your teenager is constantly arguing about justice or fairness, they are most likely feeling like they are not being heard or cared about enough to get what they want. Of course, this is usually not the case. In the examples above parents would be worried about safety, health and money, while teens feel like they are not as important as their sibling, that their parents do not understand how important the dance is, and so on.

Solutions: The best way to stop the “It’s Not Fair” fight is to address the emotional intent. The best way to do this is for parents to push into the “it’s not fair” feeling from their children instead of pushing against it. For instance, in the new outfit example, a parent might say to their teen, “I hear you think this is unfair, will you tell me why?” A teen will most likely respond, “You buy stuff for yourself all the time,” or “But I deserve this dress.” These answers are important because it will show the parent the emotional intent behind the upset and feelings of injustice. If a parent addresses these by saying something like, “I could see how you feel like us not buying this for you is about you not feeling worthy. But the truth is we are trying to save for the big vacation we are taking this summer - which is for all of us. I know how important this dance is for you. Maybe we can get you a new pair of shoes or…” then the fight is stopped.

2. The “Treat Me Like A Grown-Up” Fight

Examples:

Teen wants to be able to stay out late with friends. Parents say no. Teen thinks they are being treated like a child.

Teen wants to go away for Spring Break, parents say no. Teen thinks they are being treated like a child.

Emotional Intent: Most fights during the teen years are actually based in this ‘treat me like a grown-up’ motivation. The earlier you can catch and address it the better it will be. It derives from the fundamental pulling away that comes with a teen trying to assert their independence.

Solutions: It is very important for parents to discuss reasons for decisions that are making a teenager angry. This way teens are sure to understand the real reasons for a parent’s choice. Another great way to help teenagers get less upset in fights surrounding their maturity is for parents to help teens feel mature in other ways. For example, perhaps parents do not want their teen to go away for the whole Spring Break because they want to have family time. A great way to address this with teens is to say clearly, “We really want to have family time with you, but we know you are getting older, so how about you do a weekend camping trip with your friends for one of the weekends.” This teaches teens you trust them, but it is all about balancing needs.

3. The “We Are a Different Person” Fight

Examples:

Parent wants their teen to join the marching band/soccer team/student council, teen doesn’t want to.

Parent expects higher grades and when teen doesn’t do well, a huge fight ensues.

Teen does not keep room tidy, parent gets upset when guests come over.

Emotional Intent: Often times teenagers tell me that they will purposefully keep their room dirty or choose unapproved hobbies just so they can be different from their parents. Parents frequently misinterpret room cleaning or bad grades for laziness, when something deeper might be going on. Teenagers often will ‘misbehave’ or fight with parents simply to show them that they are their own person - even if it gets them into trouble.

Solutions: First, it’s important to make sure that you do want your child to be their own person. Be careful not to push expectations or your own goals onto your kids. Second, make sure teenagers know that some of the requirements you have for them (good grades a tidy room for guests) are not to make them feel less like an individual, but for them to have more choices in their future and to present a nice home to guests. I recommend parents being very direct with teenagers about their need to be ‘their own person’ you might be surprised what common fights are actually based in this emotional intent.

BehaviorParenting Log in to add favorite   Share About the Author Vanessa Van Petten is one of the nation's youngest experts, or 'youthologists' on parenting and adolescents.She now runs her popular parenting website, RadicalParenting.com, which she writes with 120 other teenagewriters to answer questions from parents and adults. Her approach has been featured by CNN, Fox News,and Wall Street Journal. She was also on the Real Housewives of Orange County helping the housewives withtroubled teens. Her next book, "Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I'm Grounded?" is being released inSeptember 2011 with Plume Books of Penguin USA.

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Teaching Your Child to Stand Up to Bullies

By Princess Ivana Pignat... on May 19, 2013

“Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

My son, Alessio, was showing signs of trouble - acting out at home, not wanting to go to pre-school, and being extra sensitive. When he asked for a new pair of shoes so he wouldn’t “trip” on the playground, I pressed him on what was wrong. He burst into tears. Boys kept pushing him down at playtime. He was afraid to go to school.

Alessio isn’t even four yet. I never expected that children that small would have the same kind of issues as many older kids.

Bullying is starting younger these days. By the time a child is five, they have seen thousands of violent or aggressive images. But they are too young to understand and sort out the confusing messages, and will often imitate what they have seen. It’s our job as parents to actively monitor input, and also guide our children into becoming the kind of people we want them to be. Much of a child’s personality is formed by age five. The earlier we start teaching empathy, kindness and courage, the more these habits will become part of our children’s every day way of being.

About 17% of kids are bullies, but bullying incidents happen to over 50% of children. A bully is usually a scared person with underdeveloped verbal and social skills. Okay, tiger moms, it’s easy to get mad at a bully, but keep in mind these kids need help too. By teaching your child to stand up to bullies, you are also teaching the bully that mean behavior won’t be tolerated. Hopefully the bully will think twice next time he or she is tempted to go rogue.

Bullies tend to target those who are vulnerable, so the first thing to teach your children is to be assertive in the face of a bully. Most children who tolerate bullies will find themselves the target of that bully over and over again. Yet 57% of bullying incidents stop within 10 seconds of being called out.

Teaching self-assertion and impulse control to younger children can be a challenge. If your child is having bullying problems at school or on the playground, try a few practice sessions together in a safe environment (where you play the bully, and your child the hero), using the following Bully Stand Down techniques:

1. Look the bully in the eye, say his or her name, and use strong simple statements like: “Stop it” or “I don’t like that.”

2. Stay calm. Crying or whining encourages the bully to continue. Teach your little one to take deep breaths, acknowledge and move through the fear, and calmly walk away.

3. Stand up for yourself and for others, too. If you see a bully hurting someone else, say something or report it to an adult. Here’s where being a tattletale is an act of courage. Bullies want their targets to stay isolated and afraid to take any action. By telling on a bully, you are showing that kindness matters and empathy is important.

Tip for Parents

Pay attention to the signals your child is sending. He or she may be too embarrassed or confused to tell you what is happening. Create a safe emotional space by listening and helping them understand their feelings.

Talk to your child’s teacher or the playground supervisor, especially if there are ongoing incidents. Ask what you can do to help the situation. A friendly chat with the other parent about the issues your children are having together can be helpful to both sides. When children see their parents getting along, it sets a good behavior model for the children to try to work things out.

Talk to your child about the qualities to look for in good friends, and how to be a good friend to someone else. Younger children also need help in recognizing when friends are not acting like friends, but more like frenemies.

Teach your child to communicate, set healthy boundaries and stand strong for what is right are crucial to success in life. The earlier these habits begin, the deeper they will be ingrained. Everything takes practice. Even courage and kindness. Set the standards early.

By providing a supportive environment at home where your children can talk to you about anything, you will empower them to be comfortable with themselves in any situation. Having a strong core foundation is the best defense against any kind of bullying.

Happy parenting! For more on bullying, check out Signe Whitson at www.signewhitson.com. Special thanks to Tivoli Skye. We are rooting for you!

Ciao,

Princess Ivana
www.princessivana.com

Ivana is a modern princess married to a real Italian prince! Follow the Modern Princess on Facebook and Twitter 2PrincessIvana. She has a Masters of Education and has worked with children for 20 years in a variety of capacities, from designing educational toys for preschoolers to tutoring homeless children.

Ivana is a modern Cinderella married to an Italian prince. She came from modest means and met her Prince Charming while on scholarship at Pepperdine University. Their 2 fabulous kids (ages 2 and 3 years) are the latest additions to a 1000-year lineage that includes kings of Sicily and Spain, and Catherine of Aragon, a pope and a saint. She has a Masters of Education and has worked with kids for over 20 years - from designing learning toys to tutoring homeless children. For Ivana, life is more about attitude than money. She’s wild about kids and motherhood. The Super Mom juggling act between life, love, kids and career inspired her new book, A Simple Guide to Pregnancy & Baby's First Year, co-written with her mom, Magdalene Smith, and sister, Marisa Smith. Their blog is a blend of humor, practical advice and lifestyle tips on the essentials--how to live well on any budget. Consider Ivana "Dear Abby" with a tiara and baby sling.

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OMG, They Do Exist!

Jul 16, 2013 by Alyssa

I just sat and watched the last 15 minutes of the show Mountain Monsters on Destination America with my gullible kids.  This particular episode had the locals trying to catch the mysterious “Wolfman”.  About 5 minutes in I started laughing and said, “I can’t believe you guys are sitting here watching this!”  All 4 of them got very irritated with me and paused the show while they tried to argue that the Wolfman, along with the Wampus Beast, the Devil Dog and the Grassman were all for real.

OMG, this reality TV is driving me crazy!  It has convinced my kids that there are all these mysterious monsters living across America and they are extremely aggravated that I don’t believe it.  My son said to me, “mom, do you really think a coyote can drag a dead cow a mile into the woods?  It has to be some kind of monster!”  For goodness sake, my kids are teenagers and they believe this stuff!

I had to walk away because they were getting so mad at me that I was making fun of them.  To add fuel to the fire, when I walked out of the room I asked them, “hey next summer, instead of taking a vacation, we should go Bigfoot hunting.”  They launched a pillow at the back of my head!

So, I went into the office and jumped on my computer and looked up this ridiculous show.  I took the quiz, “What Kind of Monster Hunter Are You?”  The quiz will allow me to discover my monster hunting persona.  After answering 5 questions, I discovered the following…

Much like Trapper on Mountain Monsters, you are a leader when it comes to monster hunting. The team looks to you for guidance and help formulating the plan of attack on those terrifying mountain beasts. But don’t let the responsibility go to your head. No one likes an arrogant crew leader…especially the Kentucky Wolfman.

I yelled over to my kids, who were glued to the TV watching the next episode, what kind of Monster Hunter I was, I heard one of them say, “mom can be such a jerk some times!”

Hey, I think I can fit right in with these fellas!

I think both Nicole and I should join the Mountain Monster hunt, our pink and green camo would look great!

mommywarriors.com

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Can I Get on Retainer, Please?

Aug 8, 2013 by Alyssa

We have a local walk-in Doctor’s Office a few miles away that, thank goodness, is open 7 days a week and until 8 pm.  Sometimes there’s a bit of a wait but usually we can get out of there within 30-40 minutes.  Having 4 crazy kids, I do frequent the place a lot, but not usually as often as I did the last 10 days.  It’s pretty bad when the staff knows you by name and the x-ray technician asks, “weren’t you just here last night?”

It all started with my daughter needing a sports physical, then a strep throat visit, 2 more sports physicals, a hip injury, another sports physical, a sprained wrist  and then lastly, another broken bone.

Football practice hadn’t even been going on for a week when my son comes home and asks, “should my thumb be this purple?”  This was the same kid that I told to suck it up and get back in the baseball game after he had just gotten nailed with a line drive and broken his hand (I really thought he was fine).  Rather than get another mother of the year award for blowing off an injury, it was evident from the looks of his thumb, it was broken.  Although he insisted he was fine, I took him for an x-ray based on my gut.

the broken thumb

Sure enough, his thumb was broken at the growth plate, need to see an orthopedic.

I don’t know about you all, but all this “growth plate” stuff is a bit questionable in my mind.  Of the last 5 broken bones my kids have had, 4 of them required an additional visit to the orthopedic due to growth plate concerns.  And in the end, there was NO growth plate issue at all.  Heck, me and my friends broke a ton of bones when we grew up and there was never a growth plate issue. We just went off to the hospital, got a quick cast and then followed up 4 weeks later to get the cast cut off.  I hate to say this, but I really think it’s all a crock, just an opportunity for another office visit which equates to more $$$$$.

Anyway, sorry I went off on a little tangent but as I left the office, one of the staff said, “See ya Mrs. B, hopefully we won’t see you again tomorrow. Oh and don’t worry, we’ll just add this visit to the bill!  Never a dull moment in my household.

MommyWarriors.com

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Smooth Move Mom!

Jul 30, 2013 by Alyssa

As moms, we try to be cool, especially when it comes to our teenagers, but sometimes, it just doesn’t work out that way.  In fact, with me, when it rains it pours!

The other day was just not my day and unfortunately my stupid moves all happened in sight of my kids and some of their friends.

I started my day like all others, taking the dogs for a walk.  Rather than go our normal route, I decided to cut through the canyon.  It was there that I unknowingly stepped into an area of mud and my feet went right out from underneath me.  In an instant I was on my ass, my phone went flying and the dogs nearly got loose.  My daughter saw it all from her bathroom window and as I sat in the mud, I could hear her laughing.  As I got up I heard, “nice move mom, are you ok?”  I have yet to tell my husband (or kids) that my phone screen cracked once again from the incident!

Next, we had just launched the boat on the lake with the kids and some friends and I was standing up spraying on some sun block.  My wonderful husband hit the gas and I flew a bit across the deck.  My sunglasses also did some flying, right into the lake.  I reached over the side to try and grab them but they sank quickly.  I stood up and my boys were all just shaking their head in embarrassment as my one son asked, “way to go mom, were those your good glasses?”

I quietly sat down and kept to myself as the kids all took turns in the tube.  At one point I stood up to wave the orange flag indicating that someone was in the water and I hear from behind me, “mom, your tag is hanging out of your bathing suit bottom.”  I rolled my eyes since having a tag out is really no big deal and then I hear, “OMG, she has her bathing suit bottom on inside out!”  I was the butt of the jokes for quite a few hours.

But it didn’t end there.  I’m the one that gets off the boat at the dock to go and get the boat trailer.  Typically my husband drives close to the dock and I jump off, no problem.  Not this time, I totally missed the dock and landed in the water.  I didn’t even wait around to hear the laughter, I climbed onto the dock and ran to the car.

That black cloud was certainly hovering over me all day but I guess things could have been worse!

MommyWarriors.com

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Taking Pictures: Girls vs Boys

Jul 15, 2013 by Alyssa

My 15 year old son had the opportunity to spend 10 days with his grandparents down in Florida this summer.  He went down with a friend and their intent was to do a boatload of fishing, some golfing, and more or less, relax after a tough school year.

When he left, I reminded him, “take a lot of pictures, especially when you’re out on Charlotte Harbor tarpon fishing.”  As usually, I got the standard “ok mom.”

Once he arrived safely I got the phone call that he had arrived in one piece.  After that, most of my communication was with my mom who gave me the updates on what they were doing.  I did sent a few texts asking if he was having a good time and all I got back was a “yes.”  When I texted to ask him to send some pictures, I got back “I will.”

To make a long story short, in 10 days, he had caught a ton of fish, including a 140 pound tarpon and how many pictures did I get from him?  ZERO!  How many pictures did he actually take on his iPhone?  ZERO!  How about any video on his iPhone of the 45 minute fight he had with the tarpon trying to get it to the boat?  ZERO!

Herein lies one of the differences between girls and boys.  In those 10 days, my daughter would probably have taken about 500 pictures to add to the already 3,000 she has on her iPhone.  She takes pictures of everything, she must get that from me.  My son is just like my husband, taking pictures is the last thing on their mind but if you ask him about his fish, he can tell you the story over and over about that now 200 pound tarpon that he fought for well over an hour!

I can’t believe I’m saying this but, thank goodness for my dad’s little old flip phone, I do have one picture of my son out fishing for grouper.  I’m impressed he figured out how to take it and then actually text it to me.  Dad, this doesn’t mean that you are now technologically savvy but, you’re getting there!  mommywarriors.com

Grouper fishing on Charlotte Harbor

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Mom’s Crazy Summer Days

Jul 9, 2013 by Alyssa

As moms, we all think that once our kids are out of school for the summer we get to relax a little.   What a tease that is!

Okay, I’ll admit, the kids and I did have a few days of doing absolutley nothing, staring at the TV and ordering in pizza.  But that didn’t last long at all.  My last three weeks have been nothing but constant running around and I truly apologize for not being online and keeping up the blogbut I really didn’t have all that much time on my hands. 

I’ve had kids all all over the country for one thing or another.  One traveled to Indiana to play lacrosse with the big boys at the Notre Dame lacrosse camp and realized that once you get to college you have to do an awful lot of walking to get where you need to be.  Another went to Florida to visit my parents and do some tarpon fishing while getting spoiled by his grandparents.  My little soldier headed to Gettysburg to take part in the 150th Anniversary of the Gettysburg battle and figured out he certainly likes he fact that Southern California has no mosquitos.  An lastly, my daughter headed to Dallas for the Junior National Volleyball Championships and played her little heart out to help her team secure being the #15 15s team in the nation leaving with a goal for next year to make it to the top 4.

And where was mom while all this was taking place?  Well, right in the midst of things of course.  Still driving kids to practices and airports.  Traveling from city to city, living out of a suitcase, sleeping on pull out coaches, staying in local Bates Motels, not to mention being stressed out beyond belief watching my 14 year old daughter being scouted by college coaches in some of the toughest volleyball matches she’s ever played.  I blew my diet, worked out out zero times and was beyond exhausted when I finally got home.

 But when I did get home, I knew my kids had a great time doing what they love and that’s all that matters.  The house was as dirty as it was when I left, the dogs were still alive and my garden welcomed me with some mighty fine ripe tomatoes.  Even though it’s been in the triple digits since I touched down at LAX,  there really is something to be said about being home and  sleeping in my own bed.

So, the practices continue, the weather keeps getting hotter and I’m back in mom mode.

Hope everyone is having a great summer!

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Disconnected – Kicking the tech dependency and just talking

Aug 7, 2013 by Alyssa

Written by Alyssa Banko

Published in SCV Health & Family Magazine July/August 2013

A publication of The Signal

I’m all for new technologies and there have been incredible advances since I was a kid but, society has become so dependent on electronic technologies for entertainment, education, relationships and communication that face-to-face conversations are becoming a thing of the past.

Whether we like it or not, cyber communication is here to stay and, for as much as we want to detox from it, embracing it is really the only choice.  For the kids, it’s just a way of life, they fear nothing electronic.  The parents, well, we fought it as long as we could and now we do our best to keep up with it.  And those poor grandparents, their anxiety skyrockets when they get near a computer and freak out when they push the wrong button on their flip phone.

I remember an ad for the Yellow Pages years ago that said “Let your fingers do the walking.”  Nowadays it’s more like let your fingers do the talking because there’s no need to speak when you can email, text, update your Facebook status or post a picture of what you’re doing on Instagram to chat, plan and coordinate just about anything.

Sure it’s great that our communications can be sent in an instant but, we still need to teach our kids that there is another way and that’s to effectively carry on a conversation.  Communication is the building block of a strong family and is the basis for our kids’ future relationships.  Rather than hide on the couch behind a screen with their fingers moving a mile a minute, they need to understand that words, expressions and gestures are key components in basic communication.

Knowing that all these electronic devices are not going away anytime soon, here are some tips for effective family communication.

 Make the time to be together as a family to have some meaningful conversations. Take a walk, sit around a campfire or play a game and just talk to each other.  Having a family talking stick is always fun (especially in the case of a large family like mine) and it allows everyone to speak without any interruption from the peanut gallery and helps cut down on going off on a tangent. Provide a safe and comfortable environment for the kids to open up.  This could be as simple as a few minutes on the way to school, at dinner, or even in their bedroom.  My daughter and I have had countless conversations laying on her bed in the dark and she loves every minute of it.Remove the devices that have become their new appendages.  Yes, they will fight you kicking and screaming or might have a panic attack that they can’t respond immediately to a text but, a little device separation is a good thing.Talk with your kids as often as you can.  It doesn’t have to be just whenever there’s an issue, but more on a regular basis on any topic to help reinforce your positive relationship with them. As hard as it may be, learn to zip it and just listen.  There are times when kids (especially teenagers) just need to vent without hearing your two cents.  Mind you, I have one that can talk my ear off for an entire flight from NJ to CA but, if that’s what he needs to do, I will sit there and I will do nothing but listen.Let the kids speak for themselves as soon as they possibly can.  Allow them to ask their own questions and respond all by their little selves.  One of my biggest pet peeves is parents that don’t allow their kids to have a voice.  For goodness sake, if you are still ordering for your kid at a restaurant, it’s time to open the door and let them take a big step outside the mommy shelter.

Imagine if Alexander Graham Bell had invented a texting device back in 1876 and most recently the telephone came into our lives.  Those 8.6 trillion texts that are sent a year would diminish and we would be excited to pick up the telephone, move our lips and actually talk to each other.

MommyWarriors.com

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Are Kids Getting Enough Sleep?

Is your little one getting enough shut-eye? According the sleep experts, the answer is probably no.

After reviewing 100+ years of studies about children and sleep -- more than 300 of them -- University of South Australian researchers determined that sleep experts have consistently found that children got less sleep than recommended, Time Magazine reported.

“Over the 112 years the study covered, children lost about 75 minutes of shut-eye,” Time’s Bonnie Rochman wrote of the new study inPediatrics, “in 1897, experts were recommending that kids sleep 1 hr. 15 min. more than was advised in 2009.”

“Another constant,” Rochman added, “societal hand-wringing over children’s lack of sleep and a tendency to blame the hectic pace of modern life.” One of the study’s authors said, “People are always recommending kids sleep more than they do.”

So what's the current recommended amount of sleep time for children?

It varies based on age, but according to the National Sleep Foundation babies between the ages of 3 to 11 months need a total of 14 to 15 hours, while toddlers between 1 to 3 years old should get 12 to 14 hours. Preschoolers need 11 to 13 hours, and elementary schoolers should sleep between 10 to 11 hours. Older children and teens need a minimum of 8½ hours.

How many hours of sleep do your kids normally get?

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Top 5 Food Choking Hazards for Kids

Has your little one ever choked on a piece of sandwich or a grape? A new study explored just how common food-related choking injuries are in children - and the results may surprise you.

Every day, an average of 34 children in the United States are treated in the emergency for a non-fatal choking involving food (12,435 per year).  More than 60% of those cases are children under the age of four.

What's the most dangerous food? Hard candy.

In the course of the study, which was published in the August issue of Pediatrics, researchers identified the top five causes of non-fatal food choking.

Hard Candy - 15.5%

Other Candy - 12.8%

Meat Other Than Hot Dogs - 12.2%

Bone - 12%

Fruits and Vegetables - 9.7%

While only 2.6% of incidents involved hot dogs, researchers noted that they are in a different (and more dangerous) category. Because hot dogs are a type of high-risk food which can completely block the airway of a small child, they are more likely to be involved in choking cases that result in death.

So what should parents do to keep their children safe? The American Academy of Pediatrics offers extensive guidelines on foods to avoid and other choking prevention strategies here.

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Couples Who Run Have More Sex

Does working up a sweat with your partner make things hotter in the bedroom? A new study suggests that couples should strap on "his and her" sneakers!

Couples who run together apparently have more sex, at least according  to a Brooks Running survey of 1,000 adults ages 18 or older who run at least once a week.

Of those surveyed,  66 percent believed they have more sex when they run with their other halves. Men (71 percent) were slightly more likely than women (62 percent) to make the connection.

Why? There are several possible explanations, including the increased intimacy that comes from spending time together and the bonding effects of shared exercise.

[Read "Workouts with Friends: The Benefits of Small Group Training"]

Some other fun facts that the survey uncovered:

Men enjoy chatting on the run more than their female counterparts. Favorite topics: sports and cool new gadgets. Women, on the other hand, prefer to talk about the current state of their relationships on group runs.

Top celebrity running partners: 27 percent would pick Jimmy Fallon; 22 percent would pick Chelsea Handler or Jimmy Kimmel.

30% of participants find runners who spit while on the road that most hateable kind to encounter. Um duh, that's because hocking loogies is just rude.

Do you ever go running with your significant other?

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Less Stressful Doctor Visits?

Any parent who has held their screaming child down to get a shot or during a check-up knows how nerve-wracking a visit to the doctor can be.

It's agonizing to watch your baby feel pain - even when it's for their own good.  But what if there was a simple way to ease that pain?

Medical researchers at the University of Alberta have found that listening to music effectively reduces the amount of pain children perceive when they're in the emergency room.

The team analyzed clinical trials with 42 children between the ages of three and 11 who came to the pediatric emergency department at the Stollery Children’s Hospital and needed IVs.

Some listened to music while receiving the IV and others did not. Researchers then noted the amount of stress each child expressed, their perceived level of pain, and their heart rate.

"We did find a difference in the children’s reported pain - the children in the music group had less pain immediately after the procedure,” said lead researcher Dr. Lisa Hartling.

“The finding is clinically important and it’s a simple intervention that can make a big difference. Playing music for kids during painful medical procedures would be an inexpensive and easy-to-use intervention in clinical settings.”

The conclusions make sense. We know that music affects mood, which is why many pregnant women make special soothing playlists for labor and delivery.

What do you think? Would you bring your iPod and speakers to your child's next doctor appointment?

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