Have you ever been jealous of the job that other parents are doing with their kids? Whenever someone else’s kid is doing spectacular in school or on a winning team, do you secretly envy them? When you hear that another mom is raising kids who are more polite, better behaved, and higher achieving than yours do you get a sinking feeling in your belly that you must be doing a terrible job? Didn’t think so… because I’ve NEVER had those feelings either!
But let’s just suppose (hypothetically, of course) that we did have those feelings for one minute. Would we be normal? Is this something that many other parents have likely gone thru or felt as well? Probably. And I would say that it is probably particularly true of mothers who left careers to be full time moms. After all, if we gave up a lucrative successful career for our kids, wouldn’t we want the impact of our fulltime presence to lead our kids toward being the most amazing kids around?
I started thinking about this yesterday watching the Today Show while I was on the treadmill. There were some “experts” on who were on talking about “friend jealousy” and they referenced when parents are jealous of their friends and their kids.
I guess kids are sort of like money. No matter how rich you are, there will always be someone with more money. No matter how great your kids are, there will always be someone whose kid is better at something than your kid. We can’t get hung up on comparing our kids with others, nor should we get hung up on comparing our job as mothers with others. We all make the best decisions we can in the moment based on many different factors. And recognizing the success of others in no way negates the value of our own sacrifices for our kids.
Rather than feel envy when we happen across amazing parenting or kids, better that we use those moments to learn and keep our brain open to ideas. Rather than be hard on ourselves and allow the success of other to make us feel like failures, we should embrace the opportunity to see a new path. Don’t beat yourself up! After all, there is likely a reason why it is physically impossible to kick ourselves in the butt. I mean, I can’t speak for everyone, but my knees haven’t turned that way in decades.
They say raising kids is the hardest job there is, and part of the reason is that there is no right way to do it, so it is virtually impossible to know if you’re doing a good job. People tell me all the time, “You’re such a good mom.” But how do they know? Is it because my kids can feed themselves and wipe their behinds? (Sorry, didn’t mean to make two butt references in one post.) Those are, after all, two of life’s most necessary skills. “Good Job, Nicole! Two skills down, nine hundred and ninety-eight left to teach!” But the other reason is we won’t know the fruits of our labor until our kids are grown and gone, long after our work is done. “Raising kids is like growing a garden.. blah blah blah.” I mock, but it’s true.
They also say that the most important thing you can do as a parent is to just love your kids. But I wonder what parent DOESN’T love their kids. Isn’t that what we’re all doing? (Okay, most of us? I wasn’t really counting the Lohans. But I’m pretty sure I’m a better parent than them!) But seriously, do we really need someone to tell us to love our kids?
So by now you’re probably wondering what is my point. I guess I didn’t really have one. I just wanted to vent about parental jealousy. Not that I have it, and not that I think you have it. BUT WAIT, come to think of it, maybe I do have a point. Maybe we should all just stop bragging about our kids and then no one has to suffer in secret! That’s it! If your daughter scored the most goals in the whole league keep it to yourself. If your son read the whole Harry Potter series in Kindergarten, let’s see, how do I say this nicely…we don’t care! And if your kids made you a six course meal for Mother’s Day from scratch with no help from Dad, just tell the rest of us you had a “nice day”. We don’t need details. Then maybe we can all coexist in harmonious mediocrity.
I don’t know about you, but I feel more capable already!
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